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Many couples see closeness as “nice to have” in relationship. It’s cute when he’s there but doesn’t matter. This is especially true after the honeymoon period disappears. As a sex therapist and a psychotherapist with more than two decades of experience, I am here to tell you what’s wrong.
The proximity is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. If proximity collapses, it doesn’t just affect your connection with your partner, it may affect your career, Friendshipand physical health. This affects how you lead, talk, make decisions and feel. Customers often come to therapy for stressAnxiety or problem with work at work, only for us to reveal the blanks in intimacy as a deeper source of the distortion.
The proximity to overcome another myth is not just putting or knowing the right positions. It’s about being open, honest, vulnerableAnd realistically and allowing anyone to be the same with you.
Many of the biggest blockers hide in mind. Here are four strange things that calmly kill closeness – and what to do with them:
1. Your phone
Hard to contact someone if Your brain has a love connection with the phone. Even fast views on the notifications can disturb the emotional flow and send the message: “I’m not completely here.”
What to do with this
Ask your partner how they feel if one or both of you are on your phone, laptop, iPad or other screens. How does this affect your connection? You may be surprised at how important it is.
Come up with a few simple boundaries together. It can be as simple as the designation area without a screen such as a bedroom and a sofa, or at a particular time, such as while eating or at bedtime.
I know it may feel punished, but I promise it isn’t! The presence is the basis of true intimacy.
2. Your former
No matter what you compare anyone new to your ex or not fully processed the end of the past relationship, then a protracted commitment can leave little space to connect to anyone else.
What to do with this
Look honestly look at yourself. Are you still mentally or emotionally confused with your ex? Closing is not about forgetting about them, but about the return of your energy.
Be affectionate and give yourself a sorrow that was lost, and reflect on what you have taught you. Journal Your obscene thoughts, Talk to the therapistEither (my old favorite) Write a letter to your ex that you will not send.
If you hold on to physical reminders such as texts, photos or gifts, think that they go to create a place for further.
The purpose here is to notice how often they are engaged in mental real estate and carefully redirected their attention to what is happening here and now. These include your needs, your height and man in front of you.
3. Your negative prejudice
You tell yourself that they are not interested. You think you are too much or insufficient. Meanwhile, they may have the same doubts.
These protective thoughts are normal but undesirable and can be slightly distorted. They can cause us self -government Before giving intimacy a chance.
What to do with this:
Start with this thought’s remark. If something negative pops up, ask yourself:
- “Is it a fact or fear?”
- “What are the evidence of this thought?”
- “What are the evidence against this?”
Just because the thought feels true does not mean that it is so, even if these suckers can be very convincing! One of the most powerful tools from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is to learn how to evaluate your thoughts rather than accepting them.
Then try redistribution. Ask yourself:
- “What is a more realistic way to think about it, leaning on what I really know?”
- “What would I say to a friend if they thought about it?”
For example, instead of “they are probably not entering me,” it may be: “I’m not sure how they feel, and I don’t need to understand it all at once. I can attend and see where it goes.”
4. Your stress response
In sexual therapy, we use a double control model: each person has “accelerators” or things that include them, and “brakes” that are the things that close them.
For some people, stress is increasing desire. For others, this is a complete stop. When you get into the last group, stress from any point of life – your work, parents’ illness, an unexpected bill – can interfere.
What to do with this
Track your samples. Do you feel more open or closed with stress? Realizing your unique wiring, you can talk to your partner about it so as to bring you closer.
Try something like: “I noticed that when I was interrupted, I need to feel the support before I feel connected. I don’t deflect you. I just got out. Help dinner or giving me time to reset really helps.”
You may want to hug on the couch, take a walk or talk about what you mean. Closeness is not just sex. Small moments of approach.
Be interesting about your partner’s accelerators and brakes. Ask what helps them feel linked, maintained and see. These conversations should not be perfect. They just have to be honest. Such an exchange is the proximity in action.
Chamin AjjanLCSW, A-CBT, CST is the CEO and clinical director of psychotherapy Chamin Ajjan. She completed her student work at the University of California, Berkeley and postgraduate studies at the Social Labor School of Colombian University. It is a certified sexual therapist Aasect, which has received intensive and strict postgraduate studies at a modern sex therapy institute. She is also the author ‘Looking for the soul: drop the game of dating and find the true connection″ And CNBC Expert Instructor Make Your Online Course Become an effective communicator: the main public speech.
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