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Social discomfort is as versatile that social psychologists as I have made a career out of his study. We can find it almost anywhere in Negotiations on earnings or Talk about small conversations which have too much inconvenient past.
Almost all at some point turn out in Interaction that makes them feel awkward. And at work, these situations arise daily. We give and take feedback, manage the team dynamics and move on to the differences.
Most of us take a simple approach to stop discomfort: We smile as much as possible, laugh (even if nothing funny) and lean back to convince people: There’s nothing to worry about. This interaction will be positive. I’m nice.
Possibly also Nice?
The problem with too enjoyable
There is a sad irony here: the harder we strive to use the pleasantness to cover our discomfort, the more people can see right through us.
People are good by collecting emotionswhich are traced through our non -verbal behavior as a tone of the voice. We believe that we do a good job of disguise anxiety, laying compliments, but when these compliments are delivered through artificial smiles, no one buys it.
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Often we regulate our discomfort, giving feedback that is so common that it is not useful. Think about your classic “Great Work!” In many cases, this is also revealed.
Excessively positive feedback signals that you do not pay attention – and you probably not if you are too busy trying to regulate yourself. Over time, the person who takes is becoming distrustful to you. They need specific information that will actually help them improve their work.
What to do instead
Many work in an environment where being too enjoyable is the norm. Here are the three things you can do to translate this culture into the one in which Instead honest, useful feedback.
1. Question of “Culture of pleasure”
Ask yourself: Are everyone around me this excessively pleasant culture, or they do it because everyone else is doing it?
Social norms are a great behavior engine, and the sooner the visitors accept these norms, the faster they will be perceived as a “device”. If the beginner watches how everyone put on compliments after Subpar presentation, they will do the same.
If no one is definitely questioning this behavior, the result is that social psychologists call “pluralistic ignorance”: everyone believes that everyone else is involved in excessively pleasant feedback because they want. But no one loves it secretly.
Start the conversation around change. Get the feeling that people really feel about a pleasant culture. One way to do this by offering an alternative.
For example, before the next presentation, you may ask people: “How would you feel if we recorded three specific things you could improve and three specific things you must keep at the end of the presentation?”
2. Be accurate and specific
It is natural for us to extrapolate with behavior to form impressions and make assumptions. For example, we can decide that the one who is chronically late is lazy. But impressions are often too common to be useful even if they are positive.
Instead, strive for a specific behavior feedback. The more accurately you can clearly determine the problem – in that, for example, a presentation that had too much jargon, not “it was sad” – the more useful the feedback would be.
A The same goes for praise. If you say to anyone -exactly what they did well, or why their work was great, you will come out as more valid and your feedback will be more significant.
Removal of extensive generalizations from the equation is of additional benefit from a decrease in the threat to a person, especially when this feedback is crucial.
3. If you are new to this, start a small and neutral
You can feel how to jump off the rock by moving from too pleasant feedback to honest.
Start with the kid. Choose the problems that are down -to -earth, but that people still care, such as what will stock up on office kitchen. Nothing that will make anyone boil blood. The goal is to Create feedback Muscles. So, as soon as you jump into tougher things, the norms around honesty have already begun to change.
If you work on switching a culture around you, be patient. The norms take a long time to form, and long changes.
Thessa West is a social psychologist and professor of New York University. She used science for many years to help people resolve interpersonal workplace conflicts. She is the author of “Ricky at work: toxic employees and what to do with them″ And “Work therapy: A job search that works for you“She is the CNBC Internet Instructor How to change your career and be happier at work.
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