“I became afraid of my own memories”

On some of the many thousands of burials that have taken place in Gaza over the last 15 months, the mourning laid on the body of bright orange vests.

The vests are usually well done and with spots of dust, sometimes blood. They belong to civil defense, the main emergency service of Gaza.

Throughout the Israeli bombing, civil defense was responsible for pulling out living and dead from the rubble. Together with the ambulance service, rescuers took over one of the hardest work in Gaza.

And they paid a great price. On Monday, the first full peaceful day reported that 99 of his rescuers were killed and 319 injured, some of the injuries that changed their lives.

When the civil defense hides its own, if possible, the vests of the dead are put on their bodies.

“We put a vest there because our colleague donated to it with his soul,” said Nuk al-Shagnobi, a 24-year-old rescuer, in a telephone interview from Gaza.

“We hope it will show God that this man has done good to his life, that he has saved others.”

Israel scored more than 47,000 Palestinians in Gaza during the conflict – mostly women and children – and injured more than 111,000, according to the Hamas Ministry of Health, whose figures recognized reliable. A recent study published by Lancet’s medical magazine showed that the death toll over the first nine months of the war may have been lowered by more than 40%.

The fragile ceasefire, which came into force over the weekend, persists. But for civil defense rescuers, the next stage of work is just beginning.

According to the agency, more than 10,000 people are buried under the huge sea of ​​rubble across the gas. The figure is based on information collected throughout the war about who was in every building destroyed by Israel, and who is known to the agency has already been found.

In areas that were fully occupied by Israeli troops during the destruction, they have no detailed information and count on the residents’ aid. In the neighborhood of Tel El Hava, Gaza, on Tuesday, rescuer al-Shagnobi found a man who possessed information about the fate of the destroyed apartment building.

“He told us that seven dead were found, but an elderly man, a child and an infant remained,” Al-Shagnobi said.

“Fortunately, there was a private bulldozer nearby, and we were able to dig the top layer of rubble,” he said. “And at the bottom we found three skeletons that corresponded to the description.”

Al-Shagnobi has accumulated a lot of fans during the war, sharing its experience on social media. Although some images he pixed, others show the horrors that he and other young rescuers have encountered.

One video shows how he cautiously pulls the baby’s body from under the body of another young child who is alive. Other images he sent to the BBC show an extreme nature of rescue work.

“You have to be numb over time,” Al -Shagnobi said during a change in Gaza. “But I got worse. I feel more pain rather than less. It is harder for me to handle it. I saw 50 of my colleagues dying in my eyes. Who outside the gas can imagine this? “

When the first Israeli hostages were released from Gaza last week in exchange for 90 Palestinians from Israeli prisons, the Israeli authorities described extensive psychological support that is waiting for hostages returning.

But for those who are in gas, such support is very limited. None of the four rescuers who talked to the BBC this week from Gaza said they were offered a consultation.

“We all need it,” said Mohammed Lafi, a 25 -year -old rescuer in Gaza, “but no one says.”

Lafi, who has been working at the agency for six years, has a wife and a young son. “When I pull the baby’s body out of the rubble, I shout in myself when he’s the same age as my son. My body is shaking. “

Even if the consultations were widely available, “years of therapy would not be enough for one day of this work,” said Abdulla Al-Majdalavi, a 24-year-old civil defense worker who lives with his parents in Gaza.

Al-Majdalavi said that when he was returning home between the changes, he was constantly doing small work and household chores, “because I became afraid of my memories.”

“I’m very lonely now,” he said. “I don’t really say what I saw. But I feel that my whole body becomes tense and I need some therapy because things accumulate. “

Civil defense workers were considered outside the heroes, said al-Majdalavi. “But they don’t see what’s going on inside. I am waging a war against myself. “

When the ceasefire began, the new shots from the inside of the gas showed the scenes of almost complete destruction, especially in the northern enclave. Civil Defense spokesman Mahmoud Basal said the agency hoped to get the dead from the rubble for 100 days, but he acknowledged that this was a difficult goal because they have virtually no bulldozers and other heavy equipment.

Civil defense has accused Israel of intentionally targeting and destroying his vehicles and equipment during strokes – Israel denies. Rescuers told the BBC that they are currently working with simple manual tools such as hammers and have several workers. “We have so little equipment that we need another civil defense to save civil defense,” Al-Majdalavi said.

A spokesman for the agency said on Friday that from the moment of ceasefire almost a week ago they managed to find only 162 bodies.

The UN Office for Coordination OCHA has warned that the search for a body may take years due to lack of equipment, staff and, according to him, 37 million tons of rubble, strewn with unbroken bombs and dangerous materials such as Asbesto.

The process of identification also hinders the amount of time during which many dead. This week, at the European Hospital in Khan Yunis in the south of Gaza sector, people were looking for loved ones who brought to the hospital and put on white sheets. In many cases, the only option was to search for shoes, clothing or other personal belongings.

“I believe that I immediately recognize my son, even if he has no features and he will only be a skeleton,” said Al Ashur, a university professor, about his 18-year-old Mahjuda.

“I know him because I am his father and know him better than a million people,” he said.

According to him, Ashur still hoped that Mahjud could be captured, but he planned to look for the dead every day until he learned. “As soon as they bring the remains, I will come,” he said. “And if I see my son, I will lift it from under the other bodies and bring it.”

Nisrin Shaaban sought his 16-year-old son Motasem, who, according to her, left their house in Bate-Hanun for 15 minutes and did not return.

“I revealed every shroud here, looking for the clothes in which he was dressed, trying to feel his aroma,” she said. She was surrounded by human remains. “It seems to me that I live in the cemetery,” she said. “This is a horror city.”

The civil defense agency believes that about 3,000 people could have been killed as a result of the bombing, which deprived some of the families to stop the search. But there is much more than what else needs to be restored.

“These people need to be found and honored,” said the al -Shangnobi rescuer. “This work awaits us. We only need the equipment and we will do it.”

Muate al-Hatib and Amr Ahmad Tabash contributed to this report.