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Even the happiest couples face conflict. But what they are fighting about, reveals a lot about what is missing in a relationship.
How A psychologist who studies the coupleI found that there are several similar topics that arise again and again. And the first step to resolving conflicts is to know what these topics are.
According to A a AR Yougov A poll 1000 American adults, and based on my research, here are the most common reasons for couples fighting – and psychology for each of them.
1. Tone voice or attitude
Sour tone or attitude-raised voice, sarcastic comment, middle of the eye design is the most common reason when the couples are fighting. For the person who exposes it, it may not seem a big deal. But for the partner at the receiving end he gets in the direct nerve because it signals the contempt.
In the family researchcontempt is one of the most reliable divorce predictions. Unlike obvious criticism or stone (emotional closure), contempt is masked by non -verbal gestures and body language.
How to get past it: Resist the momentum to hit back. Fighting fire never works, so try to call the effect instead: “It felt condescendingly. Can we try again?” It gives your partner the opportunity to correct the course and it does not instantly grow things.
If you are the one who gives the tone, start yourself before saying something more. Do you feel unheard of? Disappointed? Overloaded? Determining what fueled the contempt is the first step to expressing itself without damaging the relationship.
2. Family relationships
Family relationship arguments often reflect fundamental distortions and dissatisfied needs.
One partner may feel unchecked or lagging behind, especially if their husband seems to be the default defending his or her side. In situations related to children, arguments are usually reduced to clashes – where each partner feels that their main beliefs are fired.
In these scripts, no partner is “correct” or “wrong”. In fact, they are most likely looking really the same: the one who is on their side.
How to get past it: A good place to start – it’s to calm each other. For example: “I love my family but you are still my partner. As we can find a solution that meets both our needs and values?”
Then talk about your team restrictions: what to do if the line crosses or how to show solidarity before others (even if you disagree in private).
3. Homework
Often, people believe that arguments about affairs are the affairs themselves – the dishes that remain in the sink, the growing lingerie, the garbage that is never deduced. But if it were true, these problems would be quickly recorded by a simple trouble scheme.
Rather, the real problem is the uneven distribution of work. According to researchOne partner in a relationship usually puts the bulk of the internal work. But they do not just make clothes and cook food, they also manage meetings, coordinate accounts and lead mental tabs on the well -being of all but their own.
This “invisible load” is not largely recognized, and this lack of recognition usually begins.
How to get past it: This dynamics can often be changed if the load is called aloud. Even just saying, “I didn’t understand how much you keep, thank you,” gives your partner the recognition they needed to hear.
From there, work together to redistribute tasks in a way that feels sustainable. Justice will not look like a split of 50/50 every day, but you should feel like you have a hand.
4. Styles of communication
This is one of the most difficult arguments for navigation. In many cases where the couples are arguing how They talk to each other, the initial problem has already been lost.
For example, one partner is upset by the unjust spread of affairs, or they are disappointed with how their laws treat them. But if these problems are caused, research Shows that they can quickly leave the rails if others participate with them ineffective – or with hostility.
When the conversation is met with the defense, criticism or stone way, the struggle will transfer its attention from the original release. Instead, it becomes a question of how bad the conversation is.
How to get past it: One of the simple strategiesFive second rule“: They have a designated word or phrase that signals:” We are spirals, let’s understand. “It gives the necessary pause, without the negative effects of the assault.
When you come back to the conversation, try to see your eyes to your eyes before continuing to let out your grievances: “I want to understand why you are upset and I want you to understand the same thing for me. You share your side, then I will share my.”
Mark TraversThe Doctor of Sciences is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. It has a degree at the University of Cornela and the University of Colorado Bowlder. He is a leading psychologist in IndenueTelehealth company providing online psychotherapy, counseling and training. He is also a curator of the popular mental health and healing site, Therapy.org.
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