Dr. Selyve gets South Africa, talking about financial abuse

A young woman – South African doctor caused a nationwide conversation about the form of domestic violence, which is often enveloped in silence – financial abuse.

In a number of viral videos, Dr. Selyve NGO told how she said her husband was financially exploited as she was spiral and led to their division.

Often, sitting in her car on his way to work, within two weeks the mother of three weeks arose about how, despite her successful career, she has been to a toxic marriage for many years, feeling manipulated to finance her husband’s lifestyle – in particular, his desire to manage Mercedes Benz.

The removal of loans for his purchase was a “worst decision” in her life, subjected to the family under huge financial pressure, said the D -Ndaba, who has returned to the use of the maiden name and the number of her followers since the exchange of its history.

Despite the requests for her husband to drop, she said she refused – accusing her of “turning him into laughter, causing him to drive a small car.”

The physician said she acted when she wanted to make a warning to others – that it is not only “uneducated” and “less happy” women who were in tough relationships.

Her remote husband Temitope Dada did not respond to the BBC request for a comment.

In the footsteps of the storm of social media, he created the Tiktok account, where he admitted in one of the first videos: “You can know me as …” Mr. Benz or nothing. “

Several messages he made are accompanied by the hashtags such as #divorcetrauma – they say that allegations are a lie.

However, the section of the commentary on the Dr. NGO and other social media platforms has turned into support groups filled with women’s breadwinners who share terribly similar stories.

“You’re brave to talk so publicly … I suffered silently,” one person commented.

Burtus Praler, a lawyer based in Cape Town, believes that it is because, although women-south-African women become doctors, lawyers and entrepreneurs, getting a well-paid job does not necessarily release them from the Patriarchate’s paws.

He says the woman’s financial independence faces “cultural norms that prefer men.”

If anything, their success seems to make them goals.

Financial abuse occurs when one partner dominates or uses the financial resources of others, the lawyer explains.

“This is a thin but powerful tactic of violence in a family aimed at maintaining the victim under control,” he says.

In South Africa, this is legally classified as economic abuse in accordance with the law on family violence.

Mr -n Preller says things such as “unfair content for first place or hinders the overall asset” covered by law.

A university teacher who asked for anonymity told the BBC as her husband lied about her qualification and eventually left her in financial destruction.

It started with her car, which he was mostly driving, but never refueling. Then she took out loans for her many unsuccessful business enterprises. Finally, there was a message about eviction when she said she stopped contributing to the lease, leaving her on her shoulder all the costs of her family, which included three children.

Despite this, they stayed together to a decade – although it was also physically abusive.

“He is very intelligent … I was in love with his intelligence, his great dreams. But he couldn’t watch them actions. His pride was his fall,” she said.

Even if he managed to get the money, he still did not contribute.

“He started holding any money he had for himself. He would come out of drinking with his friends, return – the salary is gone,” she said.

Legal Financial Expert Somil Gogab says that there are deep psychological roots outside the control of money, financial abuse.

“For the rapist, this behavior may follow from a sense of inadequacy, fear of refusal or necessity,” she said.

“For the victim, the psychological impact includes feelings of worthlessness, fear and dependence that can be paralyzed.”

Studies from the University of South Africa suggest that these are not isolated cases-and that women who leave partners face much greater risk of violence in intimate partners.

Of their in -depth study of 10 women who were the main breadwinners of their families, only two were married.

“For eight participants, their choice of lonely was the result of their experience of physical, emotional and sexual abuse … All women said they believe that their role of women’s breadwins is regarded as threatening the traditional male role,” – said the researcher Bianka Perry.

Ms. Gogab says women’s nursing are less appreciated than their men’s colleagues, despite their economic contribution: “This cultural background can push some partners to feel the right to control the finances, even if they do not contribute equally.

“This control is not only about money – it is also about the authorities and maintaining the dynamics of relations.”

Nombulelo Shang, a sociologist at the University of Free State, says it is part of an increasing picture in South Africa Middle -class women, which is financially exploited.

“Black women face a double patriarchy: Western expectations at work, traditional expectations at home. When they face, harmful ideologies increase,” she said.

She explained that the balance of pressure to be a successful woman, but playing the role of “caregiver, mother, good wife, neighbor and member of the community who goes to church every Sunday” was difficult because women were always taught to ticket around the men’s ego.

Since the opening of Dr. Ndaba, women on social media have shared stories that give their debit or credit cards to their partners when they go out, so it seems he pays for food.

For Ms Shang, this shows how the burden of a happy home is often located on the shoulders of a woman.

“You think,” If I just get their car, they will be happy. “Love makes you blind.

As long as the university teacher divorced her husband, she left a debt of 140,000 Rand ($ 7,500; 5,600 pounds) – everything got into her name.

“I used to plan things like the holidays. Now they are a luxury,” she said.

D -Ndba feels pain to tell its followers as it was on one vlog: “Finance is an important aspect of people’s marriages.”

The teacher could not agree, urging young women to take their time when he met her partners and hold open, honest conversations.

“Talk about finances, tell us about your origin, tell us about emotions and character.”

Ms. Gogab called for more people to protect themselves from a partner, telling them to keep a separate bank account, keep their pins safely and control their credit cards.

They all agreed that women should understand that love should not come with a unstable price tag.