Dolla Posh: "I'm Not Me Anymore"

Dolla Posh Composition of two portraits of Dolla Posh with her daughter. On the left, she is wrapped in a green cloth and is cradling her little daughter. The arch of the church in the background frames the two in the portrait. On the right, in a red handkerchief, wrapped in a red-orange cloth, she hugs her daughter. The glowing sky background gives the impression that they are sitting in the clouds.

Dola Posh has several identities: the photographer; a woman; Nigerian; mother; British.

However, after giving birth, she no longer felt sure of who she was.

Six days after giving birth to her daughter, she was lying on a bed in an English hospital in the midst of a Covid adjustment.

She worried about how her life had changed and whether she would ever be able to do her favorite thing again – photography.

Unable to visit, relatives continued to call to check on her and the baby. After a difficult pregnancy, Dola felt the pressure.

Her mother was thousands of kilometers away in the place she left two years ago – in Lagos, Nigeria’s largest city.

All of this put her “brain in a very dark place… I thought, “I am me; the kid’s out, I’m still me.’ But no, I’m not me anymore.”

Loss of identity may be one cause of postpartum depression, which disproportionately affects black women. Although she didn’t recognize it at the time, it was something that plagued Dolla.

Dolla began taking self-portraits to document her struggle with depression

Dolla Posh Sluggish Dolla Posh is lying on her bed with a green bedspread with white spots. Her face is illuminated by golden light. — Dolla began taking self-portraits to document her struggle with depression

As soon as she was discharged from the hospital, she was almost immediately bombarded with unsolicited advice.

There was “too much talk, too much control over how I should raise the child. So it affected my mind as well. It made me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing. I was not given the opportunity to be a mother.”

There is some validity in the way the 33-year-old talks about the events of 2020. This time she holds back her tears, but she cried a lot.

One night, exhausted from feeling like a zombie due to lack of sleep, isolation and the mundanity of her new existence, a voice in her head told her to end her life by suicide.

Dolla found solace in photography and this first image she created for the series was when Manioluwe was three months old

Dolla Posh Dolla Posh in a red scarf and white dress is breastfeeding her daughter while sitting on the edge of a bed with a blue sheet. — Dolla found solace in photography and this first image she created for the series was when Manioluwe was three months old

Emotionally unmoored, she clutched at her blanket as if it were a life jacket. Her baby girl – Manioluwa, which means “I have God” in Yoruba – was by her side. She sang songs from home.

Then in the middle of the night she called her health worker, who luckily picked up the phone and agreed to come.

“I hid my head in shame, I just felt so ashamed because I wasn’t even a good mother. I don’t have the strength to be a mother.”

Dola was persuaded to see a therapist, who encouraged her to use the camera as a way to deal with her feelings.

Manioluva became seriously ill when she was nine months old and while looking after the baby, Dola’s anxiety increased – she says her “soul was lost”.

Dolla Posh Dolla Posh, wearing a black scarf and blue cloth over a white dress, stares at the camera with a blank expression on her face. She holds her daughter in her arms. — Manioluva became seriously ill when she was nine months old and while looking after the baby, Dola’s anxiety increased – she says her “soul was lost”.

Having learned the trade in Nigeria while studying marine biology, she stood out from the crowd with her dyed gold hair and pink boots.

Dola started making a name for herself in the male-dominated world of fashion and celebrity photography in Lagos. But she gravitated toward portraiture because it allowed her to document people’s lives and encouraged her subjects to share something deeper.

For therapy, she turned the lens on herself — and, using an app on her phone to control the camera remotely, began creating a portfolio of pictures of herself and Manioluva.

The mother and baby portrait, based on images of the Madonna and Child, is one of the main motifs of the Western artistic tradition.

Dola’s photographs fit into this mode, but the connection was unconscious at first and it took a teacher to point it out.

Looking at Manioluwa, fast asleep when she was 10 months old, Dola wondered if she would ever have a dream like this again

Dolla Posh Dolla Posh wears an orange scarf and a white nightgown. She is holding a lamp and standing by the bed where her daughter sleeps. — Looking at Manioluwa, fast asleep when she was 10 months old, Dola wondered if she would ever have a dream like this again

She was brought up in a religious family – her father was a bishop of the Nigerian Church. Pictures of Mary and Jesus were on the walls of her house, and the image of mother and child was in the Bible and hymn books.

“The colors are green, red and gold; the gold frames and the light glow – growing up in that environment, it was all in my subconscious.”

All this was later revealed in the way she composed and lit her portraits.

“Sometimes you do things without even knowing why you’re doing them, and then when you sit down and think about it, it’s like, ‘Oh!’

The veil, or headdress, which was part of her church uniform, also became an important element of her work.

“When I put on the veil, I no longer felt like an empty person. I felt more like myself…I was reconnecting with my family, it felt like their essence was with me.”

The project was beginning to help Dola better understand her emotions.

Dola had to figure out how to be a better mother while also working as a professional photographer

Dolla Posh Dolla Posh, wearing a red outfit, brushes her daughter's hair as they sit on a bed with a blue cover. There is a candle in a jar nearby. — Dola had to figure out how to be a better mother while also working as a professional photographer

She says that when she started sharing her story, “that motherhood wasn’t all about joy and that I suffered from postpartum depression, it opened me up to not being ashamed anymore.

“Now I’m starting to work on the stories of what actually happened and the darkness, how I crawled out of it, and trying to portray that through imagery.”

Earlier this year, Dolla received an award from camera manufacturer Leica that allowed her to continue her streak and encourage more women — especially black women — to break the stigma surrounding postpartum depression.

“I want a world where black mothers don’t have to carry so much burden and feel like they have to walk this journey alone, and I want them to look at the media and see a reflection of themselves trying to make it work.”

In the UK, black women are more likely to experience postnatal depression, This is reported by the Mental Health Foundation. The reasons are complex, but Dolla believes that being more open is important to solving the problem.

“It’s new for a woman to stand up and say: ‘I almost ended my life, I’m not ashamed of it – I’m still an artist, I’m still a woman and I have something to say.’