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The task of parents is not to protect their child from life’s problems, but to walk them through — offering support and tools for help them thrive in difficult times.
As a child life specialist and therapistI have worked with thousands of children and families dealing with illness, trauma, grief and loss. I have observed words and actions that indicate that a child is learning to cope effectively with life’s inevitable difficulties.
It’s not about keeping calm or avoiding tears. It’s about using strategies and skills to manage, cope with and reduce stress when it occurs. That’s why children who do well tend to have high emotional intelligence. They are good at identifying their feelings and using positive strategies to manage their emotions.
Listen to these six things you might hear from kids with high emotional intelligence:
1. “It’s okay to be sad”
Children with high emotional intelligence are likely trusted adults who taught them that it’s okay to cry and that all feelings are okay.
They know that it is natural to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or worried in difficult situations. By the same token, they learned that it’s okay to have happy, joyful, or playful moments even in difficult times.
2. “I need space”
Children with healthy coping skills can recognize and manage their emotions. They know the warning signs — racing thoughts, racing heart, tense muscles or a knot in the stomach — and feel comfortable asking for what they need.
They can head to their “supporting corner” to give themselves time and space to use pre-planned tools. For example, they might pick up a spinner or blow bubbles to help them with deep breathing.
They likely learned these skills by watching their parents model self-regulation and open communication.
3. ‘Are you okay?’
Emotionally intelligent children can recognize emotions in otherstoo. They understand that both adults and children can feel great emotions during difficult times and that everyone copes differently.
They may be the first to admit it if theirs a friend upset, they may need space or a hug, and that’s okay.
Empathy for others comes naturally to them, and they show ease and comfort in listening to others’ points of view, respecting their needs, and working together.
They understand that even if their parents are emotional, they can still be loved, cared for, and safe.
4. “I don’t like…”
Children who were engaged setting boundaries how they would like to be treated tend to have high emotional intelligence. They can communicate effectively their needs, desires and feelings, while being sensitive to the other person.
They might say, “I don’t like it when you use my stuff without asking,” or “I don’t like it when I don’t know what to expect.” Or you may hear other statements that begin with:
- “I’m not okay with…”
- “I don’t want to talk about…”
- “I don’t think it’s nice/funny if . . .”
They are also careful to respect the needs of their peers and siblings.
5. “I made a mistake”
This phrase indicates that the child is self-reflective and free from shame. Instead of being afraid to make or admit mistakes, they can talk about them and problem solve to improve the situation or circumstances.
They also understand what they could do better or differently because they know that mistakes are what we grow, learn and develop through challenges.
6. “I have an idea”
Confidence and creativity in problem solving are signs of emotional intelligence and healthy coping. Children faced with difficult situations have learned to work together with their peers and trusted adults to find reasonable solutions or ways forward.
They feel confident expressing their opinions, ideas and qualities while listening and learning from others.
As children overcome obstacles and consequences in a safe environment, they can develop decision-making skills and resilience while nurturing emotional awareness and self-esteem.
It starts with you
If your kids aren’t saying this yet, don’t worry. Developing emotional intelligence and coping skills takes time and often begins with parenting.
Just start by saying these things yourself. Children learn best from things that are modeled for them.
Kelsey Mora is a certified child life specialist and licensed clinical professional counselor who provides personalized support, guidance and resources to parents, families and communities affected by medical illness, trauma, grief and daily stress. She is a private practice owner, mother of two, creator and author Method Workbooksand the nonprofit’s chief clinical officer Group of pickles.
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