Allison Holker Reads Posthumous Journals of Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss

Allison Holker find closure after a husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss‘ died by reading his journals.

“He was struggling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to take it out on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” Holker said, 36, against People Tuesday, January 7. “He didn’t want other people to take his pain.”

Holker revealed that Boss had referred to being sexually abused by a male figure during his childhood in the records. “Reading Stephen’s journals, and even going back into the books he had read and the things he highlighted and lined up, really gave me a better perspective of where the was in life and the kind of things he was struggling with,” he said. the outlet.” I felt a lot of empathy for him and sadness for all the pain he was holding.”

While preparing for Boss’s funeral, Holker too discovering his secret drug addiction.

“I was with one of my very dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and choosing an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker said of the “cornucopia” of drugs including mushrooms, pills and “other substances”. she had to look up after finding them hiding in Boss’s shoe boxes. “It was a very motivating moment for me because there were a lot of things I found in our closet that I didn’t know existed.”

Holker found it “very scary” but he let her do it find clarity after Boss’ bass.

“There was so much going on that I had no idea (about),” he continued. “It was a very scary moment in my life to find that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and that he was hiding so much, and there must be a lot of shame in that.”

Boss, best known for his star-studded appearances forward So You Think You Can Dance and as the regular DJ on The Ellen DeGeneres Showhe died by suicide in December 2022 aged 40.

“It is with the heaviest of hearts that I have to share that my husband Stephen has left us. Stephen lit up every room he stepped into,” Holker said in a statement at the time. “He valued family, friends and community more than anything else and leading with love and light was everything to him. He was the backbone of our family, the best husband and father, and an inspiration to his fans.”

He continued: “To say he left a legacy would be an understatement, and his positive impact will continue to be felt. I am certain that not a day will go by that we will not honor his memory. We ask for privacy during this difficult time for myself and especially for our three children. Stephen, we love you, we miss you, and I’ll always save you the last dance.”

Holker, who shared Mr son Maddox, 8, and daughters Weslie, 16, and Zaia, 5, with Boss, reflects on their nine-year marriage and her healing journey in her forthcoming memoir “This Far”.

“It was very difficult to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that have been said, reading through his journals … you realize that he went through a lot as a child and never faced it,” he told People. “It’s hard to think that he had never opened up to someone and wanted to face him, to get through on the other side. I really hope that people who are dealing with the same thing will help themselves out of the shadows and (know) that you will be fine.”

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance misuse, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).