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Parents know too well what it is to deal with a child who refuses to listen: it’s unpleasant.
But through the years Studying more than 200 parental relationships and childrenI noticed something fascinating: parents who rarely deal with Defiance do not threaten, bribe and harsh consequences. They use a language that makes children actually want to cooperate.
Traditional upbringing of children (“stop this” or “if you don’t, then …”) often cause a child’s reaction or flight, activating a part of the brain -oriented survival rather than learning. But when we move on to the language that honors the child’s autonomy, keeping the borders, cooperation becomes natural.
Based on my researchand from practice healthy habits With my own child, here are five phrases that need to be avoided – and what to say instead.
1. Never say, “Because I said so.”
What to say instead: “I know you don’t like this decision. I will explain and then we move forward.”
Why it works: “Because I said so”, “excludes communication and teaches blind obedience. But to explain my reasoning, even briefly, helps the child feel respected.
You do not discuss or negotiate – you are modeling a respectful guide. This phrase recognizes their feelings and reinforces that you are responsible in a calm, well -founded way.
2. Never say, “If you don’t listen, you lose (X Privilege).”
What to say instead: “If you are ready to do (X a specific behavior) we can do (X desired activity).”
Why it works: Threats create a challenge because they force children to defense. This phrase changes the dynamics of power: it retains your border while giving the child the agency when they are willing to meet her. You do not delete the limit – you delete the fight.
3. Never say, “Stop crying. You’re all good.
What to say instead: “I see you are really upset. Tell me what’s going on.”
Why it works: Discarding children’s emotions teach them that their feelings are wrong or too much. Emotional invalid leads to shutdown, and disabled children do not cooperate.
When a child feels heard, they calm down faster – and trust you more.
4. Never say, “How many times should I tell you?”
Say instead: “I asked about it several times. Help me understand what it does is hard for you.”
Why it works: This disappointed question suggests that the child is intentionally difficult. But often like defiance, it’s actually confusion, shutdown or a lag skill. The Reformation invites the solution to the problems instead of guilt-and it reaches the root of the problem.
5. Never say, “You know better.”
Say instead: “Something is hindering your best well -being. Let’s talk about it.”
Why it works: “You know better” watching the child and question their integrity.
But the alternative phrase reflects the shift of thinking – from punishment to partnership. It suggests the best in your child and encourages self -refinement rather than defensiveness. He sends the message: “I believe in you and I’m here to help.”
A true secret to force children to listen
It’s not about controlling your child’s behavior – it is about creating conditions when cooperation feels natural.
Children thrive when you feel respected, emotionally safe And participates in the process. These shifts are not just linguistic settings – they are a deeper shift in how we see ourselves raising children. Instead of viewing contrary to something, to cut, we begin to consider it as a signal: a call to communication, clarity or emotional support.
When we respond to empathy and guidance rather than control and criticism, we reduce the struggle on power and raise children who trust us, regulate ourselves easier and grow in emotionally stable adults.
Reem Raouda is a leading voice in the conscious upbringing and creator Basics . It is widely recognized by its insurmountable work on the emotional safety of children and strengthening parental communication. Keep track of her next Instagram.
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